Parked Cars: The Immobile Assassins

There are millions of cars in the world, ranging from the crappiest Lada to the most beautiful Aston Martin. They live in a wide variety of climates and environments, and are perfectly suited for most cities. We have lived alongside them for over a hundred years now, and while we have had our minor disputes, together we haved lived in relative harmony. Until now.

A new breed of automobile has arisen in our midst: curb-side killers with no regrets. They sit unmoving, parked along the curb, their tempermental drivers at home or at work. Seemingly inert, other cars pass them by without a care, sometimes within a few feet. This is when they strike, lightning quick, like some giant steel scarab beetle, sinking massive chrome fangs deep into the unsuspecting car that came too close.

Or at least, that's my impression. I have never actually seen this occur, despite many hours of intense research and first hand observation. Allow me to explain. I set up camp along Heath Street, between Yonge St. and Spadina. Rumours swirled that this area was rife with cruel, heartless murder-cars. I admit I was frightened at first, who wouldn't be? A car accident is one thing, but when a car actively attacks? No sir, I want no part of that. Still, I was determined to root out the problem, bring it to light, stop the insanity once and for all. So I set up camp and waited.

As it turns out, I did not have to wait very long. While I never actually saw parked cars coming to life and preying on random, careless passing vehicles, what I did see spoke volumes. The passing cars in this area were clearly aware of the potential danger, as they routinely carved a wide berth around any and all parked cars they came upon, many times coming closer to the opposite curb then to the motionless parked cars that virtually screeched death from every headlight. So there I was, observing not the bone-jarring, steel-twisting, glass-shattering surprise attacks that I had come to believe were commonplace; instead I observed what was ostensibly prey, evolving, learning to simply avoid potential encounters altogether. Passing vehicles no longer tempted fate by driving within two or three feet. In fact, regardless of oncoming traffic, these passing vehicles would still sweep wide around any and all parked cars to ensure safety, oftentimes forcing the oncoming traffic to come to a complete stop, lest a head-on-collision occur.

When my 'safari' was finally at an end, I had more than enough data to prove without a shadow of a doubt that these curb-side killers are indeed a growing problem, truly the bane of all moving traffic. How else can one explain the baffling behaviour of the drivers along Heath St.? What other possible reason could there be for these drivers to nearly scrape the opposite curb rather than come within even three feet of a parked car? There is no other reason. Parked cars can and do come to life and attack passing vehicles. I defy any and all to provide a more rational explanation.