Running for Mayor

Greetings. Final here. I recently received a comment asking why I was not running for mayor, or at the very least some type of minor political position, perhaps comptroller.

Well, I won't be running for comptroller because I already am a comptroller, at UZI Corp. It's a fascinating job, really... comptrolling is much more interesting than people might think.

However, I am not currently the mayor of anything, and it seems like a cool thing to be. Mayor. Very cool.

So, I hereby throw my name into the ring. I, Final, shall run for Mayor of Toronto. Here is my platform:

Firstly, I shall officially declare Mats Sundin a GOD, and henceforth every Monday will be a statutory holiday in his honour. Furthermore, Monday will be renamed Matsday. It should also be noted that failure to observe Matsday will result in hired goons being dispatched to your place of residence or business. Said goons will then force you to observe the official holiday. (Trust me, you don't want this... Rudy and his wiffle bat can be verrry persuasive.)

Second, I vow to launch an official investigation into the disappearance of Buffalo-area lawyer Cellino, formerly of Cellino & Barnes. Has anyone else noticed that Barnes has now launched his own firm, creatively titled the 'Barnes Firm'? It's true. Cellino is nowhere to be found. I don't trust Barnes. I don't trust Barnes at all. I suspect Barnes got tired of being second fiddle to Cellino, and may have dispatched hired goons of his own. With enough taxpayer's money, I will get to the bottom of it.

Next, I'll probably increase the Mayor's salary by like, I dunno, 200%. Seriously, I'm totally broke, and I need the money.

Ummmm... what else... oh! I know, I'd start pumping millions of taxpayer dollars into developing a real 'Jurassic Park', you know, like from the Michael Crichton book titled Jurassic Park, and like the subsequent blockbuster film also titled Jurassic Park, starring Sam Neill and Jeff 'The Fly' Goldblum... we could build it in the middle of Lake Ontario, so that we would at first believe that the cloned dinosaurs couldn't make to the mainland, but then somehow the dinosaurs would like, stow away on a boat, and then there would be Tyrannosaurs in Toronto, and they would hunt us mercilessly through dark alleys and crush cars and junk like that... torn, bloodied carcasses would be strewn everywhere, the city would be plunged into total chaos, and then the Velociraptors would arrive, and then shit would get really fucked. We'd spend millions, it would be totally great.

Next, I would definitely attempt to create a time machine, so that, at the very least, I could travel forward in time to when the GODDAM CONSTRUCTION ON ST. CLAIR WAS GODDAM FINISHED, and then I would send a message back in time to say "Hang in there everyone, it's gonna be great when it's finished." Or something like that.

I'd probably get drunk a bunch of times. You know, in the Mayor's office and stuff. Hold meetings and press conferences totally smashed, and when people criticized me, I would have my hired goons send them to the middle ages in my time machine. Bastards... I'll get drunk any goddam time I choose! I'm the Mayor!! Enjoy the feudal system and the bubonic plague, m-effers!!

How about some kind of city-wide pizza day, where everyone would get free pizza from whichever pizza place they wanted... yeah... I like pizza. It would maybe coincide with every 4th Matsday. Yeah... pizza-day.

I guess I would also have to do some things that would benefit the city too... I'd probably form a committee to determine what should be done in that regard. The committee would report directly to me of course, and if I didn't like their ideas? Yep, you guessed it, the middle ages for the lot of them!

Well, I think that about covers it. I know what you are thinking, you're thinking "But Final, the Municipal Elections are, like, happening right now, and you're not on any ballot!" This much is true, but once my time machine is completed, that won't matter. I'll just go back and insert my name on the ballot, lickety-split, Barba-trick, and none's the wiser.

So, when you head to the polls tonight, or whatever night it is that you are reading this, just wait for my name to appear, then check it off, and before you know it, the City of Toronto will be overrun with dinosaurs.

See you then.

Sincerely,
Mayor Final.