Sports Theorem: Installment 1: JYD

I was sifting through some old writings of mine, and came across the following treatise on former Toronto Raptors forward and universal fan favorite, Jerome Williams, a.k.a. Junk Yard Dog, or JYD for short (It should be noted that he gave himself this moniker). This masterwork was written several years ago, but I feel it still holds true today. Enjoy. Or don't.

Getting back to JYD, I think that at this point it would be productive to go a little deeper into the mystery and wonderment that is his horrifying mouth. One must not overlook JYD's ability to swallow items whole, without causing further damage to his already devastated teeth. It is a little known fact that his other nickname is 'Aqualung', and he has been known to swallow an alternator without difficulty. He is much like a shark in that respect, as he nears his prey, his giant eyes roll back into his head, and quite literally anything that comes into contact with his face is consumed immediately; his stomach must contain a litany of mundane objects, like license plates, rubber boots, street signs, bouys, tire irons, keyboards, encyclopedias, VCRs, staplers, briefcases, office chairs, grandfather clocks, topographical maps, windows, bottles/cans, Asians, sodden refuse, the Rancor Beast from 'Return of the Jedi', decorative marble flooring, fiberglass insulation, the 'Hardy Boys' complete library, and other various items, such as home theatre systems, the wreck of the Bismarck, roller coasters, soiled linens, propellers, sharks, Jesus, and Halloween.

Jerome William's has what one might call, and appropriately so, a "dog's breakfast" of teeth. I, along with several other experts, are convinced that JYD eats a combination of rocks (usually igneous), concrete, and various types of sand and soil for meals, and occasionally substitutes scrap metal, like mufflers, carborators, and spark plugs, with iron rebars and pieces of steel girders thrown into the mix. Instead of salads JYD eats broken wooden skids from local area factories. It seems that he does not mind also eating his own shattered teeth.

What does this all mean in the grand scheme of things? I have no idea.