A Sit-Down with Satan

Good day faithful readers. Its Friday again, time for my new post... the one you have all been waiting for like the salivating dogs that you are.

I decided to depart from my regular aimless prattle to bring you a hard-hitting one-on-one interview with Satan, who just happens to be a close personal friend. As you will see, he is a very complex and insightful individual.

Final: Satan, welcome to the FinalWord. Good to see you again.

Satan: Wondrous and glorious to be here, my good man. I'd shake your hand, but I fear my ebony talons would shear your flesh asunder.

F: Yes... I see. In that case, have a seat.

S: Actually, I would prefer to hover ominously in mid-air, just to your left.

F: Very well. Suit yourself.

S: Oh I shall, puny human! I shall!

F: There's no need to shout, I'm right here in front of you.

S: Sorry old chap, I'm quite used to bellowing commands to my sniveling minions. Bad habit I suppose. Like biting your nails or something.

F: Hmmm. In any case, let's get down to business as it were. Why don't we start with some background, let the people know a little bit about you. What was your childhood like?

S: Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! FOOL! Childhood?! I had no childhood, mortal! I am Satan, I have always been, and I shall always be. Since before the dawn of time have I wrecked havoc in the cosmos, bathing worlds in blood and misery! I have banished the light from countless universes, engulfed entire races in macabre servitude! Childhood? You know not what you ask! I am the Harbinger of all DOOM!

F: Well... I suppose that wasn't entirely unexpected. Still, amongst all that fire and brimstone, there must be something that defines your character, something that sets you apart, but also something that people can relate to, wouldn't you say?

S: Hmmmmm... yes, I suppose you are right, at that. Truthfully, I must admit to fancy fishing. There's just something about being on the water in the failing light, with naught but the drone of insects in the air, punctuated by the mournful burp of bullfrogs in the reeds. The clean whine of the reel as I cast out my line. Serenity then, waiting for a nibble, waiting for a strike. Most times I care little either way. It is the quiet focus of the waiting that allows my mind to soar, to leave behind the troubles of the world... troubles which, I must admit, I am largely responsible for... but still, calm, quiet, glorious.

F: Indeed. I too have known the serenity of...

S: SILENCE!!!! Do not deign to liken yourself to me!! I am Satan, I am the Darkness that consumes all light, I am greater than all things! You are no more than the wriggling worm, callously impaled upon a terrible, barbed hook, set adrift in a lake of sorrow, your mind filled only with the thought of inevitable death as the sickly shape of your worst nightmare circles you in the deep, closer and closer still with each pass, until the final strike ends your wretched existence and condemns you to eternal damnation!!

F: Oh... but, I was just...

S: ENOUGH!!! You have soiled the air with your tainted mortal-speak for too long! Your defiance shall not go unpunished, mortal!! Prepare yourself... prepare yourself for a misery the likes of which you could never comprehend, a misery that stretches beyond the stars, yet binds you to the fiery ground like the roots of some malignant tree, swaying above you, pulsing thickly as your lifeblood leaches into the cracked earth, its tendrils digging into your flesh, searing like the fire of a thousand suns!!!!!! FIE ON THEE MORTAL!!!!!! I AM SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!

And with that, he turned slowly, still hovering in mid-air mind you, and drifted quietly out of the room.

I told you he was complex.