A Sit-Down with Satan

Good day faithful readers. Its Friday again, time for my new post... the one you have all been waiting for like the salivating dogs that you are.

I decided to depart from my regular aimless prattle to bring you a hard-hitting one-on-one interview with Satan, who just happens to be a close personal friend. As you will see, he is a very complex and insightful individual.

Final: Satan, welcome to the FinalWord. Good to see you again.

Satan: Wondrous and glorious to be here, my good man. I'd shake your hand, but I fear my ebony talons would shear your flesh asunder.

F: Yes... I see. In that case, have a seat.

S: Actually, I would prefer to hover ominously in mid-air, just to your left.

F: Very well. Suit yourself.

S: Oh I shall, puny human! I shall!

F: There's no need to shout, I'm right here in front of you.

S: Sorry old chap, I'm quite used to bellowing commands to my sniveling minions. Bad habit I suppose. Like biting your nails or something.

F: Hmmm. In any case, let's get down to business as it were. Why don't we start with some background, let the people know a little bit about you. What was your childhood like?

S: Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! FOOL! Childhood?! I had no childhood, mortal! I am Satan, I have always been, and I shall always be. Since before the dawn of time have I wrecked havoc in the cosmos, bathing worlds in blood and misery! I have banished the light from countless universes, engulfed entire races in macabre servitude! Childhood? You know not what you ask! I am the Harbinger of all DOOM!

F: Well... I suppose that wasn't entirely unexpected. Still, amongst all that fire and brimstone, there must be something that defines your character, something that sets you apart, but also something that people can relate to, wouldn't you say?

S: Hmmmmm... yes, I suppose you are right, at that. Truthfully, I must admit to fancy fishing. There's just something about being on the water in the failing light, with naught but the drone of insects in the air, punctuated by the mournful burp of bullfrogs in the reeds. The clean whine of the reel as I cast out my line. Serenity then, waiting for a nibble, waiting for a strike. Most times I care little either way. It is the quiet focus of the waiting that allows my mind to soar, to leave behind the troubles of the world... troubles which, I must admit, I am largely responsible for... but still, calm, quiet, glorious.

F: Indeed. I too have known the serenity of...

S: SILENCE!!!! Do not deign to liken yourself to me!! I am Satan, I am the Darkness that consumes all light, I am greater than all things! You are no more than the wriggling worm, callously impaled upon a terrible, barbed hook, set adrift in a lake of sorrow, your mind filled only with the thought of inevitable death as the sickly shape of your worst nightmare circles you in the deep, closer and closer still with each pass, until the final strike ends your wretched existence and condemns you to eternal damnation!!

F: Oh... but, I was just...

S: ENOUGH!!! You have soiled the air with your tainted mortal-speak for too long! Your defiance shall not go unpunished, mortal!! Prepare yourself... prepare yourself for a misery the likes of which you could never comprehend, a misery that stretches beyond the stars, yet binds you to the fiery ground like the roots of some malignant tree, swaying above you, pulsing thickly as your lifeblood leaches into the cracked earth, its tendrils digging into your flesh, searing like the fire of a thousand suns!!!!!! FIE ON THEE MORTAL!!!!!! I AM SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!

And with that, he turned slowly, still hovering in mid-air mind you, and drifted quietly out of the room.

I told you he was complex.

Famous Last Words

It never ceases to amaze me what people are willing to say, presumably without really even thinking about it. "Celebrities", whoever they may be (athlete, movie start, etc.), at times almost seem compelled to say things that they couldn't possibly mean, couldn't possibly believe. Of course, the best excuse is always that comments are taken 'out of context', and really sound worse than they are. I know I believe that every time I hear it.

Case in point: I'm sure that even for people who are not sports fans (you know who you are), you have heard something about the recent dog-fighting enterprise scandal involving NFL quarterback Michael Vick. Early this week, Vick finally agreed to plead guilty to "Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture." Basically that he knew about and financially aided a dog-fighting ring. Now, Vick has subsequently stated that he will not admit to killing dogs that were not good fighters, apparently done via drowning or hanging, or to gambling on dog-fights. Way to go Mike, cling to that last shred of dignity like grim death.

Let us say, for the sake of argument, that in fact Vick was not actively involved in the day-to-day running of the dog-fighting ring (I don't even want to know what 'day-to-day running of a dog-fighting ring' means), and that in fact he was only aware of and financially supportive of said dog-fighting ring. OK, so Vick new that pit bulls, rottweilers, and who knows what other breeds of dog were tearing each other to pieces, literally to pieces, in an outbuilding on his property, that when dogs fought poorly and lost they were killed, and that huge sums of money were being won and lost on the outcomes of these fights. I think we can all agree that even the mere knowledge that those things were going on is outrageously unsupportable. So let's leave it at that.

Enter Stephon Marbury. Never shy about speaking his 'mind', as it were, our good friend 'Starbury' made the following comments regarding the Vick situation:

"I think it's tough,'' Marbury said, according to Albany TV station Capital News 9. "I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dogfighting is a sport. It's just behind closed doors.''

Read that again. I'll give you time.

OK. So dog-fighting is a sport, and goes on behind closed doors, so really, it's all good. This is the kind of statement that I am talking about. Let's say Marbury, in his own mind, actually believes that dog-fighting is a sport like any other and doesn't see anything really wrong with it. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT IN AN INTERVIEW? That's just stupid! Are you kidding me? You know the interview will be made public, it's why you are doing the interview. And you still feel like you have to speak your 'mind' about this subject matter? Guess what, if you support dog-fighting, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! Why? Well, for starters, the guy you are talking about may GO TO JAIL for supporting dog-fighting. Idiot!

But Marbury wasn't finished, not by a long shot.

"I think it's tough that we build Michael Vick up and then we break him down,'' Marbury said. "I think he's one of the superb athletes, and he's a good human being. I just think that he fell into a bad situation.''

Fell into a bad situation? Yeah, he got caught with a dog-fighting ring on his property. Let's be honest here folks, nobody just falls into a massive dog-fighting enterprise by accident, because they 'hung around in the wrong crowd'. Vick is an adult making millions of dollars playing football, with millions of fans looking up to him. When you are Michael Vick, you don't fall into dog-fighting. You organize, fund and support dog-fighting. Period.

So, presumably Marbury's agent told him that such statements were outrageous and needed to be qualified. So that's what he did. He qualified those statements:

"What Michael Vick did was wrong, and he has admitted his guilt,'' Marbury said in a statement released by the Knicks to New York newspapers. "He should be punished. However, he should be given a second chance, as others have received for more serious crimes.''

This I get. Fair enough, he admitted his guilt, everyone deserves a second chance, OK, got it. But that wasn't enough. Marbury had to compound his folly even further:

"There is no list for which animals should be killed and which shouldn't. I love animals and none of them should be harmed However, we don't react the same when other animals are being killed for sport or the sake of human pleasure.''

OK... wait... what? You love animals and none should be harmed, but earlier you said that dog-fighting is a sport, basically implying that the injuries and deaths of dogs in said fights are like sprained knees and plantar faciitis in the NBA, it just goes with the territory. You couldn't love animals that much if you aren't horrified by the concept of dog-fighting. And what's all this about reactions to the killing of other animals? Well, specify. Do you mean hunting deer as you stated earlier? You think that shooting a deer is the same as forcing two vicious, trained dogs to kill each other, and then drowning or hanging the losing dog? Many people don't support the idea of hunting socially (as opposed to hunting for food), but the reaction to it is clearly going to be different. A bullet into the brain vs. being torn to pieces, literally pieces. No difference, Stephon? For that matter, what about fishing? Stephon, are you implying that fishing is just as awful and cruel to animals as dog-fighting? Surely not.

Look, everyone says stupid things from time to time. Everyone. It's unavoidable. But not everyone says stupid things during a widely publicized interview. There's a massive difference, not only in the context in which things may be said (just keep certain things to yourself, Albany TV station Capital News 9 is not your therapist), but in the fallout as well (Sports Illustrated doesn't give a flying shit what I say, good or bad). That's what sticks in my craw like half-gnawed turkey leg.

I guess certain people are just too stupid for their own good, just like the dogs who try out for the sport of dog-fighting.

Things I Think

- Just like not signing Anson Carter last season, not re-signing Mike Peca is a huge mistake. He wanted to come back, apparently was willing to take a pay cut to come back, and now will sign with the New York Rangers. Stupid. Just stupid. I would have re-signed him just to keep him away from another eastern conference team. That and he's one of the best defensive forwards in the entire league who was single-handedly responsible for about %10 of the Leafs penalty killing success, which went into the tank after he got injured. Then again, Brian McCabe is the real problem anyways, so...

- So what's all this about new Leafs forward Mark Bell serving jail time for DUI after the conclusion of the upcoming season? You know, what I can't figure out about all these goddam people with money (athletes, celebrities, movie stars) is why the hell are they driving drunk? How do people this stupid get all that money? Get a goddam effing cab for Chrissakes! Or for that matter, a goddam LIMO! You have the money, so get a limo. Something garish like a lime green extended Humvee, whatever, but leave your goddam car at home! Isn't this one of the reasons why lots of money is great? So you don't have to do stupid shit like driving to the bar yourself anymore? I would hire a phalanx of drivers stationed all over the city so that at any given time in any given part of the GTA I would have a driver standing by to haul my drunken ass out of some stinking booze-can while I cursed the world for ruining my life, or some such nonsense. I suppose what's really galling is that he has somehow managed to avoid the jail time until the upcoming season is over... how does that work? Does that mean if I, Final, were convicted of a crime, I could conceivably work something out whereby I would not have to serve my time until my job ended? That seems highly unlikely, but then I'm no lawyer. And also I have no job, so...

- OK, Just read this bit about a Chinese couple wanting to name their baby '@'. That's right. They want to name their baby the e-mail 'at' symbol. This is an outrage. What kind of idiocy has to be festering inside a person's brain to make this type of decision? What's with this overpowering need to have a unique name for your baby? What, because your baby's name is Steve or Karen they will be less of a person than if they were named Raquanshay or @? If a name was all that defined who we were, we'd all be jackasses (I'm a jackass regardless of my name, but that's another story...). Look people, just quit it with this name shit, it's getting really old and tired. If you spent as much time teaching your kid to read or to treat people with kindness and compassion as you did coming up with some horseshit name to impress your friends, the world would be a better place. Of course, I don't have a kid, or even the prospect of naming anything except my blog posts, so...